Okay, Not Okay...or Both?

Walking along yesterday, a lady selling something on the street asked me and my friend, "How are you?"

My friend replied, "I'm fine," while I replied, "How long have you got?"

During my counselling training, I've become increasingly comfortable with sharing how I'm actually feeling rather than automatically reaching for "fine." The contrast in our responses made me pause and wonder what we really mean when we answer that familiar question.

When someone says, "I'm fine," are they genuinely fine? Or is it simply the socially accepted response to "How are you?" Perhaps they are fine. Perhaps they are struggling but don't want to share. Perhaps they haven't even paused long enough to consider the question and are answering on autopilot.

The more I thought about it, the more I began to wonder whether I was focusing on the wrong thing.  Perhaps it wasn’t about whether my friend was really “fine” or “not fine”, but whether they needed to be one or the other at all.

We often hear the message that "it's okay to not be okay." On the surface, many of us agree with this. Yet I'm not sure we've fully embraced what it means. If we truly believed it, would we feel such pressure to reassure others, and ourselves, that we're "fine"?

So often we have a tendency to think in all-or-nothing terms. We are either okay or not okay. Coping or struggling.  Vulnerable or resilient. Fine or not fine.  Yet much of human experience seems to live in the space where both can be true.

Many of us know what it's like to feel grateful for the people in our lives while also carrying worries or sadness. We can feel fulfilled in some areas of life and overwhelmed in others. We can be coping with one challenge whilst finding another incredibly difficult. We can feel joy and grief, hope and uncertainty, confidence and self-doubt, all within the same day, sometimes within the same moment.

So perhaps the question isn't whether we're okay or not okay.

Perhaps the question is: which parts of us are okay right now, and which parts need attention, care and compassion?

Maybe well-being isn't about reaching a permanent state of "okayness." Maybe it's about learning to acknowledge, and make space for, the complexity of our experience.

Perhaps "I'm fine" and "I'm not fine" are not necessarily opposites. They may simply be different parts of the same truth.

So, the next time someone asks how you are, perhaps the question isn't whether you're okay or not okay.

What might you notice if you allowed both to be true?